the Diva Platform

If you tuned in yesterday, I was griping about change in my old-timey dinosaur hard copy newspaper. You might think that I’m totally against change. Think again.

In my life, I’ve had to evolve and change along with everyone else. I learned how to type on a manual typewriter, but I’m so glad we have word processors so that I don’t have to deal with setting margins or using correction tape. I like being able to tote around all my music on an iPod. I like having a digital camera so that I can take visual records of just about anything or instantly get rid of pictures that aren’t very good.

But I’m really looking forward to what’s going to replace cell phones. Something has to, no? I mean, technology changes all the time, so in a decade or so, we should be laughing at the idea that we ever used these things, right?

I’m only griping though because I was recently at a party with a bunch of people who are younger than me and are tied to their phones. I don’t mind hanging out with younger people much because (a) it keeps me young, and (b) it keeps me in touch with what’s going on in the world and how mindsets are changing. The fact that these people are totally tied to their phones drives me nuts though.

Oh, it’s not just the younger people who are cell phone crazy. I know. Lots of people my age and older are tied to them too, and even I am not the best when it comes to cell phone etiquette (though I think I get more complaints because my phone is usually off), but I really hate the fact that people have to text all the time. At this party, we were talking with people we’d just met, and one of them started texting another friend of theirs. This texting conversation kept interrupting the real conversation we were having, and the overall message felt like, “You are not that interesting. This other conversation that I’m having with someone who decided not to come to this party is.” At some point, I don’t want to bother talking to new people. If you’re going to interrupt our conversation, then I don’t really know how much I want to be friends with you.
I don’t know what it is. Do we like being contacted all the time? Do we send out more texts simply because we’ve bothered to charge our phones, bring them along, and keep them on? If we’ve gone to that much trouble, do we feel compelled to keep in better contact with other people, even if it comes at the expense of the company we’re in at the moment? Do we feel that we can’t be bored with moment we’re in, so we’d better check our phones to see if we missed anything?
I’m guessing everyone has different views of this, but lately I’ve felt a little frustrated when forced to play second fiddle to a phone.

The other day I got an e-mail from the Blue Man Group (yes, we’re tight) saying that had great new swag. I instantly thought, “Cool! Free Blue Man stuff!” Then the link took me to their web store. No free stuff. Just regular merchandise.

That got me thinking about the definition of “swag.” UrbanDictionary has one definition that says it’s usually free stuff, but sometimes it’s regular promotional merchandise like concert t-shirts. But another definition claims it’s an acronym that stands for “Stuff/Shit We All Get,” meaning post-it notes or pens that you get at conventions. To me, that’s what swag is.

Apparently the word is evolving to include much more–either that, or more people just want to sound cooler about getting you to buy their shit.

UPDATE TO PREVIOUS POST:  The Chicago Tribune finally moved their puzzle answers to a different page!  I wonder how many other people besides me have complained multiple days.

Also, the Trib has been sliding in a few of these newly formatted stories.  Let me just say that I can hardly read them.  Now, I can’t read Power Point very well either, so having a story with subheaders like, “What’s the Deal?” and a box of quotes on the side may be more Power Point-esque, but that doesn’t mean (a) it’s good, or (b) I sanction it.  I can’t imagine keeping my subscription if the entire paper is like this.

To file under: Are people really like this?

Last week I saw a feature in the Chicago Tribune telling you how you too can hire your own paparazzi. [Of course, now I can only find the sidebar online, which is a different rant in and of itself, but you can learn more here from Time.]

I can’t imagine wanting to do this or wanting to hire these guys for a friend. It’s annoying enough to have to deal with crowds on the L or the bus or down Michigan Avenue. I can’t imagine a pack of people in my way trying to take my picture at the same time. [And this has nothing to do with the fact that I wouldn't look good on paparazzi pictures seeing as how I'm not really into fashion and I rarely wear makeup, though I realize that's really what they're gunning for.]

Seriously though, isn’t this a sign of the downfall of our civilization? Are we that starved for attention that we have to hire somebody to make us feel special?

The Time article has some quotes from a sociologist saying that we now feel that we don’t exist unless the experience is documented. But why would you want an experience documented with bad flash photography? I seriously don’t get this, and it’s really depressing. In fact, I think I’ll spend some time going through pictures and deleting them. No need to have all of this life documented. After all, sometimes it’s fun to have secrets.

Summer in Chicago means a lot of runners on the lakefront running path, including yours truly. I like to go out a few times a week and get some mileage in. I’m not fast, but I’ve also never come in last in a 5K race, so I know I’m not the slowest person out there. However, it would be nice to pass someone every once in a while on my regular runs. Boost my self-esteem. Feel like I’m making progress.
Every time I run, many people pass me. I realize that’s par for the course. These people usually look like hard-core runners, or they’re really in shape, or I know I’ve got 10-30 extra pounds, so of course they’re faster than me. That’s OK. The slow people like me? They’re out there too. They’re just running in the opposite direction.

I’m serious. Whenever there’s a heavy person or older person doing the little runner’s shuffle that’s just above a jog, they’re going the other way. The other week, a small group of runners slowly came toward me. I got excited because I was almost at my turnaround point, so perhaps I could catch up with them and finally pass somebody. Problem was, they were also at their turnaround, so the same scenario ensued.

The Boy doesn’t quite understand why I’m so keen to pass someone. After all, they could be in the beginning of their run while I’m at the end and am on more tired legs. That’s not the point. The point is to make me feel better, and I tend to do so at the misfortune of others, which, granted, isn’t the nicest way to act, but after day upon day of being passed by other people, I would just like to pass somebody. Like I said, it’s how I measure some long-term progress. Sure, I can add distance to gauge progress, but I’d like to be a little faster once I get that distance. Losing weight helped, and I can tell I’m faster than I was last year because of that, but on the path, I’m still the same old slow, fat person.

Last week I thought I’d be able to do a nice pass near the end of a two-mile run the Boy and I did. After catching a drink of water with maybe a third of a mile left, I saw an old guy shuffling not that far ahead of us. If I kept up the pace I was at, we’d be able to pass him. Sure enough, we passed him about 100 yards later. Then, all of a sudden, he sped up and passed us.

I looked at the Boy and mouthed, “What the fuck?” I mean, I passed you. Why do you have to suddenly get all competitive and be ahead of me? Can you not stand being passed by the fat girl?

I sped up and passed him again, and this time had to keep the faster pace, even though my legs were shot. I did finish out the run ahead of the guy, which was a modicum of success, but it drove me nuts that he had to get competitive with me.

The Boy shook his head, not understanding what the big deal was. Why this is a big deal, I don’t know, but perhaps it’s because I usually feel like I have to prove myself a little bit when I’m in the athletic field. I’m short and fat and slow. Not the ideal person to run with, especially when you run with a person that’s over a foot taller than you and can do a light jog while you’re running your brains out. At some point I just want to be better, and that point seems to be taking years to accomplish.

I’m going to sound really old here.  Really old.  And I don’t think I need to apologize because I’m entitled to my opinion.  And if you want to argue on this one, go ahead and try, but my answer is going to be the same regardless:  Fuck you.
Think I’m going to talk politics?  Please.  That’s going to be so boring for the next few months.  I mean, how do the political bloggers keep it up, when there’s nothing to talk about?

No, I’m talking about the upcoming redesign at the Chicago Tribune, which will come in September.  The first jolt came today when I sat down to do the puzzles and saw a box with the Trib patting itself on the back for now having the answers on the same day (before, the answers were published on the next day).  And where would they put the answers?  Right next to each puzzle!  Now you don’t even have to try to figure out the answers—oh, they may be printed upside down, but it’s easy enough to read them, and should your eye stray a millimeter, you get spoiled.

I actually wrote in to the paper because the puzzles are 80% of the reason I subscribe to the paper.  Hey, if I wanted same-day answers, I might as well just go down the street and pick up a free Red Eye (which is the Tribune’s free paper for commuters).  The content isn’t that much different, nor is the Tribune that much better anymore, what with its reliance on repurposed stories from other papers around the country.  I felt old and crotchety doing so, but hey, if the old folks can get the bridge column reinstated, then maybe I can help get the puzzle answers switched back to next day, or even moved to a different section of the paper.  [If you don't know that story, several months ago, the Trib figured that no one needed to read the daily bridge column because only old folks play bridge anymore.  Within a couple of days, the column was back because they'd had an earful of complaints.]

But why would I want the answers on the next day?  Isn’t it an improvement to have the answers on the same day?  That’s arguable.  I like the answers delayed because then I can put the paper down for a while and come back to working on it.  There’s many a day where I can’t figure out a Jumble word for several hours.  I like putting the paper down, letting my subconscious work out the answer, and then come back to the puzzle in the evening.  Or I let the Boy finish it up for me, which he likes doing.

If I had the answers, the struggle of figuring out a puzzle is gone.   Don’t know a word?  Oh, just look at the answer, finish the puzzle quickly!  Move on to the next thing!  I don’t want to start relying heavily on the answers rather than my brain.  I’d rather not finish the puzzle because I don’t know the answers, than finish the puzzle thanks to the answer key.  It’s a cheaper victory.

We’ll see if my opinion matters much.  I’m not holding my breath though because Phil Rosenthal said we’re probably in for a shock come September when they redesign the paper.  If the Tribune gets shorter stories, more color, and more graphics, I might be OK with that to some extent (though sometimes shorter stories drive me nuts when it’s obvious there’s a bigger story, but the paper has decided to tell it in 300-500 words), but if they’re going to start revamping how stories are written just to woo a younger crowd, I’m just not sure how well I’ll adapt. Rosenthal’s column is an example of how that could be, and honestly, I felt like it was more difficult to read.  Should an entire paper be like that?

I got my last round of numbers from Fat Camp, and it was nice to see more improvement than just weight loss. Because I hadn’t eaten breakfast before my last visit, they could do a cholesterol and fasting glucose test to see my overall improvement. Both the American Heart Association and the Mayo Clinic have nice charts talking about cholesterol numbers. Here’s how I stack up since my first results on April 30, 2007:

Total Cholesterol:

Then: 207

Now: 174

I went from Borderline High Risk to Desirable

HDL-c:

Then: 69

Now: 68

This is the type of cholesterol that aids in protecting you from heart disease, and if it’s over 60, you’ll get some kind of protection.

LDL-c:

Then: 120

Now: 93

I was at the high end of the “Near Optimal” range, but now I’m “Optimal for people with risk of heart disease.”

Triglycerides:

Then: 89

Now: 64

Although this is much lower, I never was out of the “Desirable” range to begin with.

Fasting glucose:

Then: 91

Now: 70

Again, according to the NIH, I was normal, but I was getting awfully close to pre-diabetes levels, which scares me. One thing I was worried about before I started losing weight was getting diabetes because I was so fat. If I take the risk test at the American Diabetes Association website, they had the old me firmly in pre-diabetes. I feel a hell of a lot better knowing that I don’t have to worry as much about becoming diabetic. And the cool thing is that I made that happen–there’s so much about life that you can change if you put your mind to it, and it’s nice to know that over the last year I made my life better.

So why am I sharing my numbers with the entire world? Well, I feel that if I’m going to share my story, I’m going to share everything that’s relevant. It is embarrassing that I let my body and health go so much, but seeing the hard numbers helps me (and maybe you) see how much concrete progress I made. Yes, I can tell you I feel better and clothes fit better, but I think seeing all of the facts gives this story a little more impact.

Besides, who am I kidding? Entire world? Reading me? Yeah, right. Right? Prove me wrong, people!

I’ll read magazines and come across “new” words that writers use to be cute and clever and try to create a sense of inclusiveness, like if you all use the same lingo, you’ll be way cool.

Every month I cringe at some of them and pray that they will soon be passe and banished from our vernacular. Usually this happens after I breeze through Cosmo, but other women’s mags do this too, and it drives me nuts. I just want real English sometimes. Is that so hard to ask for?

Lately, the big offender in my book has been “natch,” which is short for “naturally.” It sounds so vulgar, natch. Rhymes with snatch, which, oddly enough, usually makes me think of Madonna. Oh, that’s mostly because of the Guy Ritchie movie, but you know, Madonna’s been sexual throughout the years, so I just cut to the chase in my mind.

Anyway, “natch” is one of my new least favorite words, so of course the Boy has added it to his vocabulary.  “What are you blogging about?” he asked me.

“How I hate the word ‘natch,’” I replied.

“Oh, so you’re blogging about it, natch,” he said.

Sometimes I’m sorry I open my mouth.  Other times, I’m really sorry.

Recently, after the Boy and I had gone for a run, he was sitting on the bed while I put some gel in my hair after my shower.  All of a sudden he blurted out, “Mega mega hold styling gel.”

What?

Then I saw the huge bottle of Walgreens brand styling gel on his bedside table.  All styling products have some sort of extremity scale of how well they’ll hold your hair in place.  It can be words, numbers, or both.  My own styling gel is “extreme” hold.  But this “mega mega” meant nothing to me.

Oh, you could compare this gel to L.A. Looks gel, but on the number scale, the mega mega hold was only a 9 out of 10.  I pointed this out.  “What’s a 10?  Super mega bitchin’ hold?” I asked.

The Boy laughed, then proceeded to put a couple ounces of the product in his hair to style it in a pompadour.  Sadly enough, there wasn’t much hold in the product, so the pomp fell pretty quickly.  What style does work with mega mega hold?  The “Flock of Seagulls” look.   Not exactly a mega mega look anymore, but knowing how trendy the Boy is, maybe this look will come back.

I didn’t plan this, but apparently this week’s theme is words. A few days ago, the Boy handed me a magazine and said, “Check out this name.” It was a birth announcement from someone who lived in Hawaii. The mom and dad’s first names weren’t anything out of the ordinary, and neither was their newborn son’s, but the parents had given the kid three middle names, one of which is (and I’m not making this up): Kamaluhialaniakekupa’aokekailoa.

I instantly thought of a parent having to discipline their child by calling it by its full name, but this one’s a mouthful. If you’re angry at your kid and are calling him by this lengthy middle name, does your anger subside partway through as you struggle to get the whole thing out? I’m not terribly familiar with Pacific languages, and I know some of them have these really long words that an Anglo-Saxon like me would get tongue-tied over. Maybe it’s much easier for the actual parent to spit out.

But a name like this has to have some sort of meaning behind it, doesn’t it? A story, a reason why it would be bestowed upon someone. So, I checked an online Hawaiian dictionary to see if I could figure it out. Of course, the full name doesn’t mean anything, but I studied German, a language full of really long words that are just a bunch of short words strung together. Maybe I could break this word down too.

Well, that’s a little easier said than done. Sometimes I couldn’t quite tell how the word was supposed to break out, but here’s sort of what I got:

kama = child (a rare meaning is also “to urinate,” but I highly doubt that’s the case here)

luhia  = shark  (which didn’t make much sense, but it could also be lu = scatter, sow and hia = desire, delight
lania = warm, toast over a fire

ke = the
kupa’a = loyal, steadfast

kai = sea water or how very!

loa = extra, beyond the size

So maybe this means something like a delightful child who’s so very warm and loyal beyond his size.  I could buy that–it’s kind of nice to be able to wrap up a nice description in one long word.  Not that I’d try that if I had kids, but it’s still nice that people can and do.

One of the aspects of working at an international company was that I learned how to correctly pronounce a lot of foreign companies and brands. Of course if these brands are also in America, there’s a fair chance that we’ll mess up the way you say it.

The biggest faux pas I’ve noticed has been Adidas. We pronounce it “Uh-DEE-des.” But this is a German company and should be pronounced “Ah-dee-DAS.” I’d hear people at work talking about this Ah-dee-DAS sporting goods company, and I didn’t know what they were talking about. Then when I figured it out, I thought they sounded really affected.

Now that I’m no longer at the company, I don’t even know how to pronounce it anymore. I shouldn’t care, but Adidas has come up a few times in conversation, or I’ve seen their ads, and I’ve just been flummoxed. Do I say it in High-Falutin’ Consulting-Speak, or do I say it in Ugly American?

I still haven’t figured it out, but maybe I’ll just save the real pronunciation for when I’m in Europe. That’s probably the only time it will ever matter.

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