the Diva Platform

Not too long ago I was talking with a friend of mine who has three children. We were discussing childbirth, and she said to me, “When it’s your turn[to have children], you’ll find out that a lot of things happen, and only one of them is beautiful.”

Now, I know she didn’t mean anything by the phrase “when it’s your turn,” but man, did it rub me the wrong way! When it’s my turn? My turn?! All of a sudden I felt like I was at the Kiddie Festival waiting in line at the Baby-Go-Round for the Fertility Carny to let me on. “If you’re quiet and wait in line nicely,” she cackles at me, “You’ll get to have a baby of your own! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

At the time I didn’t mention anything to my friend because I know the reply would’ve been, “Oh, I didn’t mean it like that!” and I know that’s pretty much the truth. But to me it was as offensive as someone using a racial slur. They’re more than happy to tell you what the Spics/Chinks/Negroes down the street are doing, but they’re not racist.

Sometimes I feel like a lot of people with children think this about adults who don’t have children. We should want them, or now that we’ve seen their kids, we’ll be doing it like bunnies to get the chance to have the same kind of fun. But not so fast to the fun there, Buddy. It’s not your turn yet. We’ll be hoping you have kids soon so that you can share in our misery, but really, we just want you to have them so that we can impart all of our wisdom onto you and not give a rat’s ass about all of your first moments with your precious spawn. We had those long ago. If you’d been a better person, maybe your number would’ve come up a long time ago, and we could’ve done this together!

It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that now is apparently not the right time for me to have them. I realize that if I do have them, I’ll be “way behind” most of my friends who have decided to have kids. Who knows, I may not be able to have children at all. Does that mean that “my turn” never came up and I won’t have a fulfilling life? I really don’t think so. And I don’t need anyone flippantly spouting off fertility slurs in order to make me feel better either.

A recent Chicago Tribune article featured a group of friends’ quick trip to India to see the Taj Mahal. One of the places they saw was Gandhi Smitri, the house where Mahatma Gandhi was assassinated.

When I read this, I felt a sudden connection. I’ve never been to India, so it’s not that, but surprisingly, if you stretch your imagination, I can connect to Gandhi in just a few steps:

1. I’m friends with Aaron-San.
2. Aaron-San’s great uncle caught Gandhi’s assassin.
3. Said great uncle brought Aaron-San’s family this gift, and an entire bedroom was decorated around it. We slept in this room when we helped the -Sans move their stuff to Minnesota.

It’s a little bit of awesome–a jungle room to rival that of Elvis‘!  And in this jungle room, the mighty jungle room, the Boy and I slept soundly that night.

A small world, I tell ya!

Well, I made it through the first 12 visits of Fat Camp. They were supposed to be weekly, meaning 12 weeks, but I think it’s been 13-14, what with vacation time. I met with the medical doctor today, just to wind things up, see what I thought, and figure out who I’d be doing my focused visits with for the next three month phase.

We did the standard blood pressure (128/68) and heart check. FCD took my waist circumference: 38.75″, down from 39.25″ at the start of the program. I think that’s pretty good. I’m supposed to get it below 35″, but as I learned from Baby-Boy at Beerdorks, you lose weight from your gut last. As long as the clothes are fitting better, I’m happy.

FCD asked how I’ve been doing, and I told her that the weekdays have been decent, but the last few weekends have been hard on me. FCD said the program was a lifestyle change, not the weekday diet and that I’ll have to look at putting a little more structure and pre-planning around my eating on the weekends. I also need to find more of a gray zone where I’m comfortable and making conscious decisions. She recommended that when I’m faced with tough food decisions, I need to try to remove myself mentally and emotionally for a few seconds before I jump right in and start eating. I’m not going to be able to control everything, but I should think about the pieces I can control and make good choices.

We talked a little about going out to parties or being at events with a lot of food. FCD said I don’t need to try to rigidly control myself at every event; rather, I can morph small pieces of good behavior that won’t totally ruin the night for me. I find it comforting to know that I don’t need to freak out about every incident. I think that’s what all of these other diet plans don’t get. Eventually you’ll need a bit of brownie, and if you’re working toward a lifestyle change, you’re probably better suited to eat just enough of that brownie to satisfy you. If you’re on a diet, the brownie is probably forbidden fruit that you stuff in your mouth and then feel guilty about later (and if there’s anything I’m sick of, it’s the fucking guilt).

So for my next phase, I’ll be focusing with FCS. Yes, I know she’s the one I don’t instantly click with, but I think the biggest obstacles I have are mental, and I need to undo them a little more indepth. I’m pleased with my decision because I do think FCS has helped me make some pretty decent strides. Oh, I’ll be checking in virtually with the FCN and FCE too, so I’ll still have the full team effect.

If you care about the numbers, how did I end up?

Last week: 181.2

This week: 181.0

Total weight loss: 9.7 lbs, 5.1% of initial body weight

Initial goal: 9.5 lbs, 5% of body weight

I did it! Whew! My goal for the next three months is another 5%, so about 9 more pounds. That’s not bad. FCD said I’d start hitting some plateaus, mainly due to genetics (probably also with what I learned the other week in that I plateaued gaining the weight, so I’ll plateau losing it too), but if I just keep focusing on the lifestyle and behavioral changes, the weight will eventually fall into line. FCD said we put too much importance on what the scale says, and we let the scale dictate our behavior (guilty as charged). When we only think of success as being that number on the dial, it can get a little tiring. Weight can fluctuate a little bit from day to day, so if we’re up slightly one day, we shouldn’t see it as a total failure. Success and failure come from so much more than just that weight number. If your clothes fit better, you have more energy, you’re not as stressed, your sleep levels are good, all of those are indicators that you’re making good progress. It’s all about your behaviors. If you can transform your behavior into healthier habits, you’ll find your optimal weight.

Now that I won’t go to Fat Camp weekly, what does that mean for this blog? Well, it’s still not a weight loss blog, but I may check in with you weekly or every 2 weeks, just to show a little accountability. It’s nice to have a little outlet to work through this process, but I don’t want it consuming my life (and yours).

Last night was the Sans official good-bye to their city friends.  We got together at Fizz, and it happened to be Sneaky Tiki night, which meant in order to have a good time, Aaron-san and I had to sacrifice three virgins to get the flaming volcano drinks.  What, you ask?  Oh, in English that meant Aaron-san and I split three ginormous flaming bowl drinks, so I’m a little bit toasty.  Not a lot, because they contained a lot of ice, but considering that it was a school night, so to speak, I probably had more than my fair share.  But, oh, were they tasty!

I was walking down the street yesterday, and I saw a homeless man wearing a t-shirt that said, “I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead!” I realize it’s ironic that an unemployed man would really need this shirt, but I’m guessing he got it from a shelter or program. I can understand why it went there in the first place; I certainly wouldn’t want to hold onto a t-shirt with that phrase emblazoned across my chest.

So why did somebody buy this t-shirt in the first place? The only reason I can think to buy it is if you were giving a gag gift to a co-worker who happened to call in sick a lot. Wouldn’t it be great to be on the receiving end of that? You open it up, keep a fixed smile, and spit out, “Gee, thanks, guys,” through your clenched teeth while your whole department laughs at you. Good times!

The other question I have is who comes up with this stuff?  Why do you want a gag t-shirt with a dumb phrase on it?  Most times they’re not funny–I mean, I get the joke on this one, but if people saw me wearing it, would they think, “Boy, she’s unreliable,” or something along those lines?  I would be embarrassed to wear a shirt like that–even as a nightshirt.

I think I equate this type of shirt to the “Over the Hill” paraphernalia you can buy for people’s 50th (or so) birthdays.  Dude, when I turn 50, I plan to be hitting my prime, and I’m hoping to live another 50 years beyond that.  Don’t bring me down with old people’s stuff before my time!
Don’t bring me down with bad jokes either–life is too full of stupidity to have to deal with bad jokes.  Step up and give me some smart humor!  Maybe that’s what bugs me the most.  These t-shirts are kind of like the Jay Leno of jokey shirts, and I’m a David Letterman girl.  Clever and intelligent humor will win me over every time, and you don’t need to broadcast it on your chest either.

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Harry Potter update:  Still on Book 6–page 303 of 652.  Hopefully I can wrap up this one by the end of the week!

While spending most of Monday trying to dodge Harry Potter reviews and possible spoilers, I kept plugging away at Book Six. I’m up to page 129 out of 652, which isn’t bad, but I really thought I’d be farther at this point. What held me back from not having much reading time on Sunday afternoon? A little road trip with some sailors.

Being old-timey, the Boy likes to weigh in on the Fedora Lounge a fair amount. One girl posted a message (on the members only thread, so no linkability from me) mentioning that a buddy of hers was finishing up boot camp at Great Lakes Naval Academy, and he wanted to check out the city, but would really appreciate a native showing him around.

After making 50 lbs. of sausage, cleaning around the house, going to roller derby, having people over until 2-3 AM for kielbasa tasting, and a couple of overnighters, he decided he could show a sailor around the city. Okaaaayyyy…how you’re fitting this in, I don’t know, but whatever. He seemed pretty determined to do this, and I could’ve used a free afternoon, so it was fine by me.

He met the sailors at the Metra station, walked them to the Great Hall at Union Station, showed them where the Gotham Police Department is, and took them up the Sears Tower. Then the boys wanted some Chicago-style pizza. The Boy gets them to Gino’s East, and I get this call:

Me: Hello?

The Boy: It takes 45 minutes to make a stuffed pizza!

Me: Well, yeah. [It occurs to me that since we never eat Chicago-style at home, the Boy wouldn't really know this factoid.]

The Boy: They’re never going to make their Metra train! Uuuhhhhhh….Would it be possible…that you could get a car…..and maybe….drive them back to Great Lakes?

Me: Sure, I can do that.

So I get a car and we drive the sailors back to their base. They’re nice and polite–one named Dan, one Mike, and two Codys. They seemed so young, but they had made it through boot camp and graduated in a class of 700. Seven hundred. They said forty thousand people go through Great Lakes every year. Can you believe that?

Anyway, the drive was nice, and there wasn’t much traffic, so we got the sailors back in plenty of time. They had to be back by 7:45, or there would be hell to pay. I was going to drop them off at the gate, but nobody had seat belts on and two of them were sitting on the floor in the back of the Element, and they were afraid they’d get into trouble for that too so I drove them a block down to the train station, where they piled out and walked home.

I enjoyed talking with them, and they really appreciated the day, so that was nice. And they kept calling me ma’am–how cute is that?

On the way home, the Boy told me about what all they did, and finished up his monologue with–and I’m not kidding–”Well, mission accomplished.” I didn’t realize he was on a mission, and since our esteemed leader had to go on a big aircraft carrier and proclaim the same thing even though the mission is still ongoing, that phrase is one big joke to me. I started laughing a bit, but the Boy said he just wanted to be a good citizen and try to do something nice for our sailors, even if it just was taking them out for pizza.

I guess I did my good deed as well, but good deed over, it’s time to get back to Harry Potter.

Have you heard that the last Harry Potter book has been released?  You know, the immensely popular series of childrens’ books about these wizards-in-training who fight evil?  Well, even if you haven’t heard, the seventh and last book in the series came out over the weekend, and boy, was there a lot of hoopla all over the world, and this time yours truly joined in the fun.

Downtown Oak Park transforms itself into Diagon Alley when the books are released.  I don’t know how many times they’ve done it, but it’s cool.  The Sans went for the release of the fifth book and were going back for this one.  I figured since I like the series and this would be my last chance to go, I’d tag along.

We got to Oak Park around 7:00 and had five hours to kill before the release.  We ate dinner at the Apothecary and met Aaron-San’s friends/former co-workers, one of whom brought robes for the three of us.  Aaron-san dug being in costume.  I was keen on the robe until I put it on, then I felt goofy for a while I’m not a huge fan of dressing up, but after some time, I got over it.  I had a hard time keeping my witch hat on though.  Danielle-san did not like dressing up at all, and her robe was pretty big on her.  The hood came down way over her head, so instead of being a wizard, she became a Dementor.  Not a bad idea.

Killing time meant walking around and people watching.  Some excellent costumes, a lot of kids who look like Harry Potter or Ron Weasley, and then there were some people (adults) who were scary into the whole scene.  That was a little creepy.  Anyhow, the whole event was really nice–it was very cool when one of the churches got their carillon to play the Harry Potter movie theme–and it’s great that kids and adults can get so into reading.  That in and of itself is worth putting up with a little of the Crazy.

To buy the actual book, we got in line at Barbara’s Bookstore.  We were pretty near the front (and paid in exact change, which they loved), so the actual wait wasn’t so horrible, especially when you could kill time by wandering through the store and playing Scrabble.  Then, close to midnight, the photographers and cameramen showed up to film the spectacle.   That’s when I said, “It’d be funny if they interviewed me.”  Why?  Because at that point I had 10 pages to go in Book Five, and I hadn’t cracked open Book Six.  In fact, I was probably one of the very few people there who wasn’t caught up on the series, though I did get spoiled a few weeks ago and know what happens in Book Six.  [An aside:  When I first read the spoiler, I had a moment where I was upset about being spoiled, then I realized that the book had been out for a couple of years, and if I hadn't read it by now, I deserved to be spoiled]

So at midnight we’re shepherded into Barbara’s and are cracking jokes while we wait in line.  There’s a cameraman in the store, and after I finish paying, he says the magic words, “Can I ask you a few questions?”

The gang bursts out laughing and I give a little fist pump and cry, “Yyyyyessss!”  Then the cameraman does a brief interview with me, and I do all right–I’m up and feeling chatty, and I think I’m giving decent answers.  Then he asks when I think I’ll be starting this one, and I actually say, “Well, uh, I’ve got 10 pages to go in Book Five, and then I’ve got to read Book Six, and…maybe I’ll get to it next week.”  The Barbara’s Bookstore manager made the cameraman stop soon after that because we were getting in the way of sales.

The cameraman told me to watch ABC in the morning because that’s when it would be on.  I checked out the online coverage (Dude, getting up at 6:00 AM to watch the local news after I’ve been up pretty late in order to buy the book?  Not happening), but I didn’t make the cut.  I didn’t really think they’d include me, especially since I’m not just a dork in a robe, but I’m a dork in a robe who hasn’t even read all of the other books yet.  You get on the news by being a Superfan, and that, my friends, isn’t me.  I’m no witch or wizard, I’m just a regular old Muggle (human to all you non-wizards out there).  Still though, what a great way to cap off the evening!

I’ve been so busy with Pork Fest 2007 that I haven’t gotten a chance to tell you what happened at Fat Camp on Wednesday. But first, an update on my hand: The pain has pretty much gone away, but I’m being careful. We–with the help of the Sans and R-San [THANK YOU!] stuffed a good 23 pounds of sausage and then ground and seasoned another 19-20 more. Not bad, though it is late and getting up in the morning will be painful.

Anyhow, this week’s Fat Camp Adventure was the Team Meeting, where the FCN, FCS, FCE, and the FCD all met with me, and we talked as a group about my performance so far. FCD’s been sick, so she wasn’t there, but meeting with the rest of the team was fun. Actually, the funny thing is that I’ve been prepped on this meeting for the last few weeks, and I wasn’t supposed to be nervous or anything. I’m guessing other patients get scared and feel that they’re gained up on when everyone meets with them at once.

My team meeting, on the other hand, was pretty simple. I’m doing well with the program, and a lot of things the different members of the team and I had talked about have really clicked with me. Losing weight is a slow-going process, but I think I’m doing all right. The team told me that weight loss can be a chronic struggle, and that I may slip up from time to time, but I’ve got to keep all of these building blocks in my head.

They gave me a nice team summary, with each writing out some good changes I’ve made, and what I should continue to work on. Here’s how they play out:

Nutrition: I’ve gotten better at being aware of where my calories come from and how much I really need compared to what I was eating. I’ve been minimizing eating out of boredom/stress versus eating when I’m hungry, and I’m making healthier snack choices. I need to continue eating for hunger and not because I’m stressed/bored, and I need to continue to keep track of how many calories I’m consuming in snacks, and overall calorie consumption in general. By that FCN said I didn’t need to be strict about knowing how many calories everything I eat is, but I do need to think, “Oh, breakfast is about 200 calories; lunch has been 300; I’ve had 200 calories in snacks today; therefore, I can eat probably 800 or so calories for dinner, and I’ll be OK.

Exercise: I’ve been raising my awareness of exercise, which I count as one of those “I don’t really know what to say here” points because I’m guessing it’s a given that people who are in a weight loss program are aware that they need to move around a bit. I’m working toward exercising regularly. I’ve also joined a gym and am picking up a new activity (swimming, when I can). I need to register for a race to give me some extra motivation to work out (I did sign up for the Elvis Is Alive 5K a few days ago), and I should think about including a yoga class to increase flexibility. This would be a good thing to add when it’s cold out and I’m not motivated to run outside.

Coping Strategies: This was the longest part of the summary, and here I’m doing a lot of “identifying.” I’m getting better at discerning cravings and creating distractions for when I want to eat out of boredom. I’m using less “should” statements around food (FCN said, “That stupid word ’should.’ I hate it!” I’m figuring out where to alleviate stress in my life, and believe it or not, FCS said that lowering stress helps you get rid of the need to reward yourself. I thought that was interesting. I’ve also identified thoughts that lead to overeating and counterthoughts to prevent overeating.

Going forward I need to start using my behavior changes rather than weight as my overarching goal. This is to avoid thinking that once I reach my goal weight, I can go back to my old behaviors. I thought this was really interesting, and I’m sure that’s why a lot of diets fail. You’ve got to make behavioral changes in order to be successful. I also need to continue to think of thoughts that lead to overeating and figure out how to battle them, and I’ve got to implement strategies for reducing stress (eliminate clutter, say “no” more often, etc.)

So that was it! I’ll meet with the FCD next week, and there we’ll do a Phase I wrapup, and I’ll choose the doctor I’ll see most in Phase II. I’m guessing it’s going to be the Shrink because although I don’t quite click with her, I think the mental thing is the biggest part of my problem. I have found that when I prep and have special questions for her, she leaps at the opportunity to not have to reach into her bag of tricks for the usual. She’s got something different to think about. But we’ll see what happens next week.

Oh, the numbers:

Last week: 181.7

This week: 181.2

I seriously almost didn’t believe the scale because I’d had a bad food weekend that started off with me inhaling an entire order of mozzarella cheese sticks by myself, and it went downhill from there. This means I’ve officially surpassed my Phase I 5% weight loss goal by .2 lbs, but I’m sure my weight is yo-yoing a bit this week, especially with little to no sleep.

FCN was glad to hear I’d had a bad food weekend, because it meant that I could slip up and still be OK and get back in the saddle and exercise and eat better. That was nice to hear.

Overall though, a good meeting with good results. I’m a littl etoo tired to delve into my feelings anymore, but next Fat Camp posting I’ll do better.

The Boy and I are making kielbasa.  A LOT of kielbasa.  This is a two-day process that’s normally a lot of fun.  On Day One we grind the meat and season it.  On Day Two we stuff it.  We’ve basically got the process down to a science (though not a quick science–it’s been several months since we made sausage, so we’re a little slow).  He deals with the meat, I do the seasoning (and somehow I usually end up doing the dishes too).

This time, however, I’ve run into a little snag.  I was too lazy to take out and scrub off the food processor in order to make chopping garlic a little (or a lot) easier.  Plus, one of our outlets in the kitchen is on the fritz, and the Boy was using the other with the grinder.  Unfortunately, after chopping 25 or so cloves of garlic, some of my fingers started to tingle in a most painful way.  Apparently I’ve given myself too much exposure to allicin from the garlic oil.  Now I can’t help anymore, and the Boy’s working on putting together what meat he can on his own.

I am feeling better, after calling an ER nurse to get some advice, which was ice, ibuprofen, and stop chopping garlic.  But the pain is something fierce–I feel bad for anyone who’s got a skin allergy and has to endure this regularly.

This kielbasa had better be tasty, that’s all I’m sayin’!

Astrochick told me about this Sun-Times article in today’s paper (how timely!) about how great flip-flops are because they’re a fashion equalizer.  Everybody can buy flip-flops because they’re so cheap (unless you’re buying a $300 pair)!  Perhaps some journalist is bitter about how she can’t afford Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahniks or Christian Loubotins.  But!  She can wear flip-flops just like everyone else, damnit!

I won’t get into the fact that I don’t believe flip-flops are the democracy of footwear (because my vote on flip-flops is a firm “no”), nor do I want to talk about how these shoes are a great excuse to get a pedicure (hey, maybe you should pumice your own feet, save the $35, and after a while, you’ll have saved up enough money to buy just about any kind of shoe you wanted).  And I really don’t want to own flip-flops that can hold alcohol.  Astrochick said it best:  I can’t wait to pour liquor out of my dirty shoes.