the Diva Platform

The -Sans, aware of my journey to Fat Camp, have loaned me their Playstation 2 and a Yourself! Fitness video game. This game simulates a personal trainer, and for the week I’ve had it, it’s been somewhat cool.

Maya, my avatarian fitness guru, first made me go through a fitness assessment–how many squats and pushups and situps can you do, take your resting heart rate, that kind of thing. Then she set up some sort of program that’s aligned with my weight-loss goals, and she is now on me to work out something like six days a week. Most days she only has me working out for 15 minutes, but there are a couple of 30 minute workouts thrown in. I realize the FCEP told me to do 30-40 minute workouts, but for now I can combine them with something else (say, a run, or a bike ride), and I’ll get a little more working out in.

Workouts change focus daily too. We’re doing cardio or upper body strength or flexibility, things like that. You also get to choose where you want to work out and the type of music, so I suppose you can change it up enough that you may not notice you’re doing kicks for what feels like an entire minute.
Today was a cardio day, and Maya busted my ass. I’ve done enough workouts to unlock both another location and music option, so that’s kind of a nice reward. The workouts themselves are kind of weird. The great thing is that you can see what exercises are coming up and for the most part, how long you’ll be doing them. You also get a fair amount of rest during your workout, and Maya asks how you’re doing a lot (and if the workout feels too easy, she’ll rev it up the next time). Whenever you add weights or a stability ball, Maya’s just appear out of nowhere. And during certain moves, she looks a little hulkish–even the Boy, who would probably be into her if he didn’t think she sounded so boring, said, “Whoa! Maya’s got some shoulders!”

Overall, Maya’s pretty positive, and she really wants (as much as an avatar can) me to do well. Her constant harrassment during workouts: Move! Move! Move! and Let’s get ready to work! don’t bother me. It’s the fact that I talk back to Maya that bothers me.

I’d gotten Maya the day before I met my FCEP, and I told her I’d just gotten this Yourself!Fitness thing. She blanked for a minute, then said, “Oh, Maya? Yeah, I’ve heard a bunch of people using her. People really like Maya.” Let’s hope I do too.

On Friday I met the last person on my Fat Camp team, and that was the Exercise Physiologist (FCEP). As is par for the course, FCEP is extremely nice and personable, and I’m feeling pretty lucky to have such a supportive team behind me. Now I just have to perform.

The FCEP did what everyone’s done for the “first visit” and that was the big questionnaire. How much did I exercise? What types of things did I do? What did I like? What didn’t I like? Then I sat there feeling a little guilty because I’ve done triathlons, I’ve done adventure races, I can be active. But something’s just stopped me from consistently working out and making progress.

I did love doing those events too. I grew up swimming, so that part is pretty easy for me. I like the biking a lot–it just turned out to be a weak leg for me because it’s so long. The running got better as time went on. The adventure racing was also cool, but making time to train proved to be my downfall. Hey, you can only do so much in an evening, and it was either work out and cook dinner or write and cook dinner. I did the working out thing, and now I need to make the writing happen, so that’s one reason I fell behind on running.

What’s great about my FCEP is that she totally understood my reasoning. She does multi-sport racing too, so she understands both the appeal and the massive time commitment they take. She did ask if I lost weight while I trained, and sadly, no I did not. I got hungrier, so I probably ate more than usual and simply maintained. Still, I look better during my first triathlon than I do now (I know–the picture’s on my wall as motivation to get at least halfway to my goal weight).

To put it bluntly, FCEP didn’t tell me much that I hadn’t heard before, but the things she did tell me were really interesting: The biggest thing is that I need to be diligent about exercising–30-40 minutes of cardio three days a week. She recommended running, and my homework is signing up for the Elvis Is Alive 5K so that I have a goal to work for. Workouts also need to incorporate some good stretching. Diligence is the key because you won’t see results for about six weeks. FCEP told me a lot of people are good about exercising for a month, then they quit because they aren’t looking different. If I stick with it and eat wisely, I’ll get results soon enough, though those results aren’t always “numbers on a scale.” They may be “clothes fitting better” or “overall mood improving.” I’m also supposed to stick with the cardio sessions for now. She’ll throw in some strength training in four weeks when I see her again.

The other interesting trick FCEP told me was that on Sundays I should plan out when I’ll do my three workouts. I can do them whenever, so if I’m busy on Wednesday through Friday, I should do them Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday. Since I’m just focusing on the cardio, I can do that three days in a row. Rest days become important when you’re doing strength training. This I liked hearing. It’s good to know that I don’t have to work out on the exact same days every week. I think that’s a big part of being able to exercise consistently.

FCEP also gave me some handouts: stretching exercises, a workout log sheet (another thing to track!), and an article about Rate Perceived Exertion (RPE). This is to help me gauge how hard I’m working by seeing how heavy I’m breathing on a 1-10 scale. Ideally for cardio one should be in the 4-5 range (somewhat strong/strong), so if I keep that in mind when I exercise, that will help.

Now it’s time for the numbers:

Last week: 186.7

This week: 186.5

Let me talk about that for a minute. Sure, .2 pounds doesn’t seem like much weight loss, but at least it’s a loss! I’m close to the halfway point for my goal weight for this first 12 weeks, but things are now starting to get difficult. I’m finding it very easy to eat the wrong foods or not enough produce or too much of any one thing. I had a bad week with food the week before (and high stress at work), and I’m still not doing all that great. Keeping track of all the food is difficult, and honestly, having to write down all the calories I’m consuming is even more difficult. I tend to measure out my portions in cups, not ounces, and the calorie book talks about ounces. I don’t want to have to go and measure out everything! Needless to say, I haven’t done a full calorie count, and I’m behind a few days in my food log (probably because I made cookies and have had a difficult time keeping my hand out of the cookie jar. I don’t really want to write down those infractions). If I’d just eat less, I wouldn’t have to write down or remember so much!

With food though, I’m still getting used to how “full” feels. I can feel hunger–either my stomach’s growling or I’m feeling faint because it’s way past time to eat. I can feel phantom hunger–the stress makes me think I’m hungry. But full? I’m getting that the correct sense of fullness isn’t the stuffed stomach, or even the stomach sending that little trigger telling me to stop eating. Full is more the absence of hunger, and I’m still getting used to this whole, “Well, I’ve eaten about the portion sizes I’m supposed to and I’m not feeling full but I’m not hungry either, so I guess I’ll stop with the eating. That’s still a very weird feeling for me, and right now I think I’m going through the “terrible twos” of weight loss where my brain says, “I know you’re not really hungry, but I want to eat anyway! So there! Go get a cookie!” I just need to tell my brain no and be better prepared for the inevitable, “Why not”s that follow.

Moreso, I’ve gotta keep believing I can do this–and perhaps hang up a copy of my receipt so that I remember how much I’m spending on this. That’s probably the best motivation I have.

The Boy and I are doing the Sunday night scramble as usual–though with Memorial Day it’s on a Monday and there’s a special prayer that the four-day work week feels as short as it should be. Unfortunately this week we’re really feeling the effects of not being more with it and organized when it comes to our household, and thus this week’s scramble is even more pronounced.

Overall, our weekend was good, even if it did contain a lot of alcohol and recovery, and biking (I got ~45 miles in on Bike the Drive) and recovery (my knees did not like going down stairs all day). On Sunday night I started getting tired and realized I’d been up about 23 hours. I didn’t really make up for it in sleep because we had to hit the WOOGMS parade today.

But why did our regular activities lead to a worse scramble? Let’s see….first off, we don’t know where the Boy’s cell phone is. Last we saw, we were drunk-dialing with it on Friday night. Where it went to, we have no clue, but I may very well have dropped it off at the dry cleaner with his suits. That’s our best guess for the moment. We’ve tried calling it, but the sucker is on vibrate and we don’t know if that’s making it even more hidden.

The other big reason we’re running around is because our bathroom sink started backing up. The Boy tried everything he knew: Drano, a pipe snake, etc. The sink stayed full of water and sludge for a good portion of the day, and we don’t know if the problem is us or a different apartment. All I know is that I have to brush my teeth and take out my contacts at the kitchen sink. And speaking of contacts, my saline has been recalled. What a nightmare. It’s the only brand of saline I ever use, so to have to do without it is a little worrisome. I also have to throw out the new contacts I put in a few days ago.

The Boy has been having regular meetings with the bathroom plumbing and is just not finding any measure of success. He’s breaking down tomorrow and calling the building manager…let’s hope they just fix the problem. However, since people are coming over, we need to straighten up just a little bit before anybody sees our apartment.

The extra cleaning sucked some blogging time out, so I owe you bigtime. I have a new Fat Camp story in the works, and I need to introduce you to Maya soon. Plus, it’s Spelling Bee week, and sing-a-long Grease is at the Music Box. Please accept my apology, and I’ll make it up to you soon.

Thanks to the men and women who have given their lives to ensure our freedom and to help people all over the world.

When I was little and we went to parades, my mother insisted on me getting up to clap for any veterans who marched in them. Now I understand why we do that, and I get emotional even thinking about it. The decision to serve (and even when back in the days of the draft, I think draftees still had to make a decision; it just was mostly, yes, I’ll serve) must be difficult, especially when you have to fight. I appreciate the braveness of our troops, and I’m sorry so many have to give their lives for our country.

Thank you is not nearly enough to express what you do for us.

The interesting thing about having access to so much different media so that you can customize it for your own liking is that it’s harder to find that shared experience. Yeah, you can be the cool kid who found that awesome band first, but if nobody else listens to them, does it matter? And if the only person who does listen to that band lives three states away, is that at all comforting? I suppose if you like a lot
Aaron-san posted a little bit about teaching in Japan and one of the podcasts he listens to regularly to help him prepare. Aaron-san refers to his podcast guy by name, like he’s got a little buddy trapped in his iPod. I know the feeling. I listen to a few podcasts that are put out there by regular people, and it’s funny, but I’ve got these friends that I now need to have in my life, but I don’t know anyone else who listens to their work. I’m not talking about podcasts of radio shows either. I mean, I adore my Adam Carolla podcast, but that’s just another way for his radio station to reach a bigger audience.

My absolute favorite weekly podcast is RFF Radio–Reality Fan Forum. Yes, it’s about reality TV, but hosts Rob & Trevor have great chemistry (Rob lives in Nebraska and Trevor lives in NYC, and 100+ shows into it, they’ve never met each other) and it’s a fun listen. They’ve even branched out into a regular bantering show called “The Rob & Trevor Show,” and when I’m missing them, I’ll listen to this as well. They always put me in a good mood.

My other favorite podcast is JapanesePod101.com with your host Peter Galanti (sp?). Peter really gets into his podcast, and they’re really structured well so that you learn a little bit every day without it feeling so overwhelming. Peter wants you to learn too–you can do it! If you think so, Peter, I will!

What about you? Do you have friends in podcastspace?

It’s almost like being on the bus and seeing everyone reading their own books. Usually nobody’s reading the same thing, but when I see someone reading a book I’ve read, I feel a little kinship with that person.

I’d get the same feeling if I knew what other people were listening to too.

I was going to respond to Stephanie’s post from yesterday, but I riffed on it in my head a little and thought it would make a better post. So Stephanie called Bank of America “the Sucky Bank,” to which my brain immediately went, “Oh, that’s Bank of Suckmerica.”

Then I imagined that there probably is a place within this country’s borders called Suckmerica, and we’re in it every time we get cheated by exorbitant fees, put up with products that have false claims, talk to call centers in who-knows-where after being on hold forever, and deal with crap ass customer service. And those of you from foreign countries who would protest because we live in a place that actually has customer service? Zip it. All we hear about is “customer service!” “The customer is king!” “The customer is always right!” And while the customer may not always be right, the least we could get is some help when we need it.

So Readers, what are some of the places you’ve discovered in Suckmerica? Who’s your Suckercrombie & Fitch, where you stand next to a gaggle of kid employees who’d rather talk about getting pizza afterward than turn to answer your question?

I want to know everything that sucks, not just stores.  I’m talking about things like my Suckgraff dishes.  I got these through Amazon, and I got them because the name is reputable.  One-and-a-half years later, with just regular use, they’re all scratched up to the point where you’re seeing the gray plate material underneath.  Before I had these dishes, I had my grandmother’s Corelle that was so old that you couldn’t put it in the microwave.  But you couldn’t really scratch it up either.  So what’s the reason, Suckgraff?  Is it because they’re “DESIGNED IN AMERICA (made in Thailand)” with what’s apparently cheap material? You tell me!
OK, Readers, now the ball is in your court.  What else is in Suckmerica?

This weekend I will be Biking the Drive. I’ve biked the Drive every year they’ve had it, and I’ve got to say that it’s one of the best biking events around. It’s well-organized and there’s plenty of snacks at the rest areas, but mostly it’s so wonderful to be able to bike on Lake Shore Drive. It’s really peaceful, the “hills” are a nice challenge for a flatlander, and I really like taking over a place where cars usually reign [I'm so tired of all the people who have to drive everywhere when they live in the city, but that's a different rant].

One change about Bike the Drive is that this year they’re sponsored by Bank of America. BofA, the second largest bank in the country, the one that made $117 billion dollars in revenue–$103 billion of that being sheer profit. The bank that charges the Boy an ungodly amount of interest and actually gives him the option to pay less than a standard monthly payment on his credit card mostly because they see he’s close to paying off his bill and they’re freaking out about losing that extra interest income. I just don’t understand what exactly are they giving to this event besides a demand to have their name plastered everywhere. The cost is the same–or maybe even a little more, which OK, I’ll give because costs do go up; however, doesn’t a big sponsorship help defray those costs? I can’t imagine they’ve gone up that much, have they?

The kicker came this week when I got an e-mail offering me the opportunity to get a Bike the Drive bike jersey. I like a good bike jersey, and I wouldn’t mind having one that promotes this event. But not for $75! And don’t try to make it sound better by saying that includes tax and a processing. You still want me to pay $75 to wear your bank’s name plastered across my chest? A bank I don’t even like? I don’t understand that. It’s one thing if you gave me the shirt or had a deal on it (bike jerseys seem to run this much, but you can get them cheaper], but the idea of paying that much for this privilege just boggles my mind.

The Boy has been a tutor for the Odyssey Project for several years, and this semester he’s decided to focus on his tutoring, which has meant a lot of extra hours helping a non-traditional student write college-level papers. It’s been challenging, but he really loves the organization and feels like he is making a difference in some small way.

For me, this means he comes home late a couple of nights a week, Monday usually being one of these nights. Since we like watching “Dancing With the Stars,” I end up taping it, and we’ll watch the one-and-a-half hour program starting around 10:00. It’s usually over around the time “Nightline” starts, so we watch it, and then in Chicago it’s time for the rerun of Oprah before “Jimmy Kimmel ‘Live’” (Oprah reruns get better ratings than Jimmy Kimmel here in Chicago).

In order to get my blogging done, I’ve left the Boy in Oprah’s care. Dr. Oz is on–apparently this is her new favorite doctor–to which both of us said, “He’s on again? He was just on!” But Dr. Oz it is, and today he was talking about all sorts of parasitic worms, which after a while really made me feel a little nauseous, propelling me out of the living room even more quickly. Dr. Oz said that something like 20% of kids get pinworms. For this, you somehow get the eggs in your mouth, they travel to your colon, hatch, and then grow in you. When a mother worm wants to lay more eggs, she travels out your anus, lays the eggs along with some secretion that makes your butt itch. The itchy butt is one symptom, but to figure out if your kids really have worms, you should put tape over their anus, and the tape will catch the eggs, and you’ll see it in the morning. Then you go to the doctor and have this treated.  I get up to leave the room at this point, and of course, the Boy jokingly accuses me of going to go put tape on my butt [yeah, it's funny, especially when we sleep in the same bed, and if you're accusing me of having worms, uh, you're probably gonna have them too, Mr. Smartypants!]
However, not only am I totally grossed out at this moment, all I can think about is having an itchy butt. Which I don’t, but I’ll probably freak out about this for a while. Which totally gives the Boy more fuel to rag on me with, but I think I can use this against him as well. I’ll just have to wait for the right possible moment. In the meantime, I’ll let him think that I’m trying to decide between scotch and masking tape (I’ve already ruled out duct tape) to cover my a-hole for the night.

Bleah! Just thinking about it makes me want to throw everything in the laundry. On HOT, even though apparently this is now bad for the environment too. To me, hot water equals no funky little parasites trying to get into my body, and I’d like to keep it that way!

When one has a “home gym” (i.e.–weight bench, bike on a stand, and an array of workout videos/DVDs), sometimes you’d like to change the aerobics class calendar a little bit, if you get my drift. The featured class in my gym is usually the Crunch Fitness Boot Camp video, which I love doing because you get a good mix of weights and cardio, and about the time the sweat is pouring down my face, the teacher says, “I’m sweating–you’d better be sweating out there!” And she is sweating. It’s nice to see a workout where the instructor actually sweats too. The Boy likes this video because the instructor is hot. Naturally it’s a favorite in our gym.

I also have the Quick Fix Cardio Kickbox, which is more about moving around than actually preparing you for kickboxing combat. When the skinny blonde instructor reminds me to keep my hands “in my guard” (in front of my face), sometimes I have to try not to scoff because it’s not like she and her other sculpted groupies are going to hop out of my TV set to kick my ass ninja-style. This class is also in heavy rotation because it’s three segments of 10 minutes each, so if I don’t have that much time, I can throw it on and feel like I’m getting some sort of exercise.

Gym Jaracz also features Yoga, with Rodney Yee being our lead instructor. He does AM Yoga, and some chick who I don’t really get into does PM Yoga. Needless to say, PM Yoga is not offered that often. Surprisingly, neither is AM/PM Pilates, and I enjoyed Pilates classes I’ve taken. I almost think Pilates is better in a class setting where you can get some help with your positioning. Yoga is probably that same way too, but Rodney’s good enough that I feel I’m getting his poses down right.

My other favorite workouts come from a Canadian fitness guru named Josee Lavigeuer. I got her early 1990s Nouveau Corps video as a gag gift because really, what non-French speaker wouldn’t love to work out in French? The video is also hysterically low budget–just Josee and her two hapless cronies who were invariably dragged from their gym to this film studio where the production staff hung a backdrop, threw a ficus tree in front of it, and said, go to it! The cronies stumble over themselves a lot–I’ve never seen such clumsy gym rats–so that adds to the humor level. Then once I did the video a few times, I started to understand the language a bit, so I got all geeked out (in a totally inappropriate superior way) that I could work out in two languages. Needless to say, when I went to Montreal the other year, I got a five-workout DVD. It’s got a little more money behind it–sometimes there’s living room furniture set up, why? Maybe to make you feel like they too have to work out around the furniture. Still, it’s always fun when I can say, “Bonjour!” to Josee and move my jamb gauche and jamb doite in the correct directions.

Still, a new workout video option is always welcome in my gym. Astrochick lent me a Denise Austin DVD that I may end up purchasing. In a way, this surprises me. Denise Austin has been around forever. She turned 50 this year–doesn’t look a day over 35, really, and that guess is only because I remember her from when I was in high school. What frightens me about Denise these days is that she does not look like the Denise I know–the honey-brownish permed hair Denise. The Denise of the new millennium has light blonde hair and drastically whitened teeth (actually, all the backup workout folks in her video also have teeth bleached to the point of freakishness. But these ladies look like “regular people” who won some sort of contest to be in the video, so I’m guessing the bleached teeth came along with the appearance). Anytime I see her I wonder if it’s really Denise. I guess it is though–and she really looks amazing. It’s a body that perhaps I can achieve as well–all on portion control and 30 minutes of exercise a day.
Denise has a nice little empire going for her, and a bunch of workout DVDs are part of her offerings. Astrochick lent me “Denise Austin’s Personal Training System,” which is actually pretty cool. You can choose from a variety of cardio, upper body, lower body, abs, and stretching segments in order to build a workout that will suit you. The smartest part: You have the option of doing it without her talking. Is she aware of the stuff that comes out of her mouth (”You deserve a great body!”–which, admittedly is nice to hear, but not five times in 20 minutes), or does she understand that if you do the video often enough, at some point you can probably say it all verbatim–that is, when you’re not screaming back at the instructor for saying, “I know you can do this,” at the point where you just want to pass out. In fact, I’ve got the Crunch Fitness workout going through my head at this very moment, and if you think getting a song stuck in your head is bad, try having “Out out, in in. Forward…and back…and forward…and back. Come on, I know you love this stuff!” stuck on a loop, daring you to pick up those five pound weights and do the rest of the workout.

Are there any other decent DVDs out there? I’m considering getting the “Dancing With the Stars” workout–oh, who am I kidding? I’ll order that this week. But should my gym offer anything else?

Today I was sitting in Jill’s home office sorting pictures when the telephone rang.

Me: Jill Jaracz’ office.

Jill: Fucking training!

Me: (brain scrambling…..oh yeah, she got stuck in a long training session for new PowerPoint formatting at her company) (sympathetically) I’m sorry to hear that.

Jill: (not even hearing me) Oh, it fucking sucked. First off, it’s PowerPoint, and you know I could care less about PowerPoint. Then the presenter, who was from the San Francisco office, sounded like she was West Coast but studied in England for a year and acquired that fake British accent a la Madonna that sounds really affected, so that bugged me for the entire hour and a half. Turns out she’s actually from Sweden, so her accent was totally legit, and I felt like a bitch for thinking otherwise. Go figure!

I won’t bore you with the rest, but Jill went on for a good fifteen minutes about how she could give a crap about the new format she’s supposed to use because she rarely has to write slides anyway. What I find hilarious is that the product Jill’s company sells is basically slide decks. What is Jill’s least favorite computer program? PowerPoint. She can’t read slides very well, let alone write them. How she’s managed to survive at this firm for a good ten years, I don’t know. Luckily her job doesn’t involve PowerPoint 95% of the time.

So for her to be stuck going to a mandatory PowerPoint training was simply cruel and unusual punishment, she felt. She needed to rant, so she came to me.

And that’s the point of today’s entry. It’s time for another All Request Rant week! I have the great fortune to have to travel to Vienna for business in a couple of weeks. Jill has to go for work and demands that I come along to do some trend-watching, or whatever she feels it’s necessary for me to do. I’m not complaining because I love Vienna–I studied there in college, and I just adore the city. I’m so excited to get to go back and to have someone else pay for me to fly (business class!) there and spend a few days in one of my favorite cities of all time. True, I’ll be working round-the-clock for Jill for a week, but it can’t possibly be that bad in Vienna.
Therefore, since my last ARR in March seemed to be successful, I thought I’d try it again. Leave a comment with what’s really bugging you, and I’ll pick five to put into complete rant form. It’s great fun! We’ll be a little ranting community together!